'Woe Is Me' Moment: When Teaching Gets Tough
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Almost 3 weeks on Addition and Student A just can't seem to keep up. Student B continues to struggle with number concepts. And Student C... well, Student C is very much a work in progress.
I went home one evening, walked straight to my bedroom, staggered to my bed and finally collapsed. My mattress felt like it cost three times as much as it does. I was tired. Not so much of physical exhaustion but I was overwhelmed with feeling of failure. Eight years in this field and not once have I ever felt so defeated. I was aware that I had signed up for the challenges, struggles if you will, that come along with a classroom of primary kids and the oft-repeated dramas and shenanigans of a classroom life. But, it came out of nowhere, you know, those days where you just feel like even your best laid plans seems to fall apart and everything seems to be so ineffective. A lesson had not worked out and my students look at me as if I hail from all too different galaxy, speaking in a language unknown to them. Eight years on this field and you would think, expect really, that I should have it all figured out. Yet, I haven't. Self doubt and lack of faith in your ability slowly crept up. And your mind begun to wonder that perhaps you're not as a good teacher as you were starting to think, not good enough for your current students, completely unable to give them the best possible learning experience they truly deserve. Sometimes, we really are our own worst critics.
I want to tell you that teaching is all rainbows and puppies all the time, but I'd be lying. Every single day is a constant challenge and while it can be truly fun at times, some days aren't and that's perfectly fine. There will be good and bad days. Teachers go through a slump at some point. Such is the nature of teaching. These slumps can be predicted and sometimes it can catch you out but what matters is what you do with those bad days. It was in this very pessimism that I've found my considerable teaching strength. I care. You guys, I genuinely care. Not just for my students and for this wonderful profession I chose but I care enough to acknowledge these bad days and embrace them as means to reflect and strengthen my resolve to make a difference and grow from it, rather than let it submerge me in a hole of further frustrations.
As the days went by, though at a very slow pace, I came around, enlivening the confidence in myself. I am not a perfect teacher, I'll tell myself. I will never be a perfect teacher and no matter how long I've been on this field, I will never have all of the answers and I will never be able to prepare in advance to avert bad days. I can, however, use these bad days as an opportunity to grow and to refuse to be defined by it. I hit a slump in my teaching these recent weeks and after a very intentional reflection, I came back stronger and eventually got the buzz of the high later on. This job is made up of contrast after all and it is one of the many reasons why I keep at it.
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