Sunday night began with a very late dinner in bed, Sofia The First: The Floating Palace playing on my Mac. Lori and I were already on our ‘night mode’, pink and purple tees and pajama pants that fit us just right. I promised my 2-year old niece that she could jump on the bed as much as she’d like come nighttime but she was already petered-out. We just got home from the hospital where my sister-in-law gave birth to a 6lb, 3oz and 20 inches long adorable infant via c-section. Dear Lori is now an Ate {Filipino word for big sister} to her baby brother, Trevor, the tiny, delicate, spitting image of his big sister whose arrival had every one of us floating all week.
As planned, Lori spent the few days at home while my sister-in-law recovers from the dreaded c-section. It was our first overnight stay together and sure, I babysit her all the time but I felt a particular kind of terror that ensues from the thought of caring for her overnight. It was her first time to be away from her parents and with all the changes that are happening since the arrival of her baby brother, Lori is extra clingy and a little needy, so babysitting gets a tad complicated.
One fine morning when a chill breeze was blowing, I took Lori to work, her little soft hand wrapped tightly in mine.
“You seem quite set for motherhood!” remarked the school canteen keeper cheerily as Lori and I headed for a table near the counter.
I took a deep breath. I would’ve just shrug and give a totally noncommittal response but instead, I let out a confused laugh. One of those laughs you make when you just had a ‘what-the-heck’ moment. I let out a confused laugh because I can’t think of a good response to that comment. I let out a confused laugh because for the very first time, I was just realizing how abstract my perception of motherhood is. I always knew it equates responsibility and responsibility that great scares me. Three full days with Lori got me into super aunt mode that included extensive dancing {needy toddler gotta sleep!}, Sofia The First marathon, bath time drama trouble-shooting, homemade play-dough-making, deep negotiations at meal time and nap time, storytelling, endless pretend play, among others and suddenly, simple quiet moments became all that I yearn for. There’s a level of maternal instinct in me that automatically kicks into gear when I’m surrounded with kids, but at that instance, I found myself burdened, overwhelmed and was about to lose my sense of self. I can hardly keep a plant alive, you know? I was absolutely scared. Lori didn't come with an instruction book but luckily for me, instincts and common sense helped me get by. I did my best anyway and that is what I can control. For this, I learned how to trust myself more.
Wednesday night, Lori finally went home to be with her parents. That evening, I’ve rehashed in my head the first sights of each mornings I had with my niece and felt happier and relief for the most part, to see her breathing comfortably and sleeping peacefully on my side during those times. I managed to keep her alive night after night and all seems well with the world. A child changes your life, they say. How right they are. What a perspective-changer this experience was to me! Parenting is not for wimps. Good parents should be honored every single day. From where I'm at, it seems to be the scariest part of growing into... being a parent … though I’m pretty sure it can shock your system in the best possible ways too.
That night, I collapse on my bed, curled around the fluffy warmth of my pillows, feeling happily exhausted and drifted off to sleep in a jiffy.
As planned, Lori spent the few days at home while my sister-in-law recovers from the dreaded c-section. It was our first overnight stay together and sure, I babysit her all the time but I felt a particular kind of terror that ensues from the thought of caring for her overnight. It was her first time to be away from her parents and with all the changes that are happening since the arrival of her baby brother, Lori is extra clingy and a little needy, so babysitting gets a tad complicated.
One fine morning when a chill breeze was blowing, I took Lori to work, her little soft hand wrapped tightly in mine.
“You seem quite set for motherhood!” remarked the school canteen keeper cheerily as Lori and I headed for a table near the counter.
I took a deep breath. I would’ve just shrug and give a totally noncommittal response but instead, I let out a confused laugh. One of those laughs you make when you just had a ‘what-the-heck’ moment. I let out a confused laugh because I can’t think of a good response to that comment. I let out a confused laugh because for the very first time, I was just realizing how abstract my perception of motherhood is. I always knew it equates responsibility and responsibility that great scares me. Three full days with Lori got me into super aunt mode that included extensive dancing {needy toddler gotta sleep!}, Sofia The First marathon, bath time drama trouble-shooting, homemade play-dough-making, deep negotiations at meal time and nap time, storytelling, endless pretend play, among others and suddenly, simple quiet moments became all that I yearn for. There’s a level of maternal instinct in me that automatically kicks into gear when I’m surrounded with kids, but at that instance, I found myself burdened, overwhelmed and was about to lose my sense of self. I can hardly keep a plant alive, you know? I was absolutely scared. Lori didn't come with an instruction book but luckily for me, instincts and common sense helped me get by. I did my best anyway and that is what I can control. For this, I learned how to trust myself more.
Wednesday night, Lori finally went home to be with her parents. That evening, I’ve rehashed in my head the first sights of each mornings I had with my niece and felt happier and relief for the most part, to see her breathing comfortably and sleeping peacefully on my side during those times. I managed to keep her alive night after night and all seems well with the world. A child changes your life, they say. How right they are. What a perspective-changer this experience was to me! Parenting is not for wimps. Good parents should be honored every single day. From where I'm at, it seems to be the scariest part of growing into... being a parent … though I’m pretty sure it can shock your system in the best possible ways too.
That night, I collapse on my bed, curled around the fluffy warmth of my pillows, feeling happily exhausted and drifted off to sleep in a jiffy.
