I Fell Out With A Friend and I’m Ok With It
Monday, October 16, 2017 |
| Two ladies you secretly want to be in your squad. 😆 |
To say that I’m “ok” with it is an understatement.
Truth be told, ending that one-sided friendship was something I’ve always wanted to do for as long as I can remember. On multiple occasions, I’ve attempted to do so only to fail miserably. Friendship, after all, is meant to nourish, sustain us and often provide our deepest connection. It’s supposed to be a two-way street but for me, my friendship with this 'friend' felt like a one-way road. Time and again, my family would point this out to me but I held onto the hope that maybe they were wrong.
I was nine when I met her. She was twelve. As the new girl in perhaps the most overrated place, I was sold to the idea that a genuine bond of friendship was somehow forged between us. I was young and uncannily naïve at best. Throughout our childhood, she would require me to hang out with her at their house just so I can watch her paint for hours, play her fancy guitar and do all these artsy things she thinks she’s good at. I've searched high and low for a common ground that will at least keep us emotionally connected but didn’t find any. She would turn into this guilting 'friend' every single time I can't hang out with her and my excessive urge to be agreeable would only sucked me back in, leaving me feeling completely trapped. Small fractions like that added up and worn me down. At the time I was about to start my junior year in high school, I was informed that her family will move to another neighborhood. I'd be lying if I tell you I didn't feel some kind of relief from such news.
Yet, three semesters into college and the same friend who was guilting me into doing what she wants, walked back into my life. On one incident, she talked me into meeting this guy I met on Yahoo Messenger and been speaking to about Web Design (PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME! It wasn’t even romantic, I swear!), who incidentally attends the same university I went to. She told me she’ll introduce herself as me and gave the assurance that I have nothing to worry about in case the guy turns out to be a creep. He wasn't. But, this kind of things aren't really my cup of tea, so, I went half-heartedly.
“This is Anie!” she said without missing a heartbeat, seeing the guy wasn’t exactly her ‘type’.
I was caught off guard but stuck out my hand for a handshake anyway. The guy obligingly took it as I politely excused myself and was deeply sorry that I needed to go. He was actually nice and gave me a quick nod. My 'friend' then followed me, as if I was the rude one and for the first time, I allowed myself to be truly angry with her, altogether disinclined to apologize for what felt like an unpleasant ambush.
The final straw came on the eve of my first day of work as a teacher. This ‘friend’ would somehow waltz back into my life only when it’s convenient for her and always when she needs something. There she was. Again. Knocking at my doorstep after what have been years of absence from each other's lives. No phone call was made and no email/text message was sent either. Completely unannounced, she just decided she’d have a sleepover at my place because some family issue 'came up'. I let her stay that evening and even cooked breakfast for her the next day but it was clear to me that the relationship I was enduring was mine alone. We’ve known each other for more than 20 years, or so I thought,but even that can’t justify why I should still be friends with her. This shifted the way I view friendships. I came to understand, though a little too late, that real friendships have nothing to do with proximity and are definitely not based on the years you've known each other but on how you treat and love your friends. Finally, I accepted my family’s truth as my own. I bit the bullet and ended things with that 'friend’.
Years later, she’d reach out to ask if I can help her plan her wedding. I politely declined. Months after that, she emailed me to say that I am one of her child’s godmother. I didn’t reply. For the rest of that year, she would send me life updates on gmail in which I never really bother to open. I'm simply done and the only thing left for me to do was to move on. And move on, I did. I haven’t heard from her since. The exasperating part is, this 'friend' walks around, pretending to be utterly oblivious as to what happened between us. Friendship is about collaboration, not domination. With that ‘friend’, I wasn’t even sure where our friendship, if you could even consider that as one, was heading. But I realized, I no longer care enough to cross the street and let her know why I’ve been so out of touch. What I did was, I've cleared a path which leaves space for new people who I know will contribute something significant in my life.
These days, I look at how enduring my female friendships are with amazing women whom I find myself embarking on new adventures with. These are the women who I value and are in my life not by an accident of history but because of mutual respect, love and acres of common ground. I’m convinced that my life is extra richer and fuller because of it. In life, we walk out on something that's not worth keeping. We never look back. And, more often than not, we can be more than ok with it.
*** pictured above is Miss Tin and Miss Sab, two of the many great INTJs I call framily... friends who aare family.
*** pictured above is Miss Tin and Miss Sab, two of the many great INTJs I call framily... friends who aare family.
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